We had
power outage yesterday and there was nothing to do in the dark other than lie
down. But it was too early to fall asleep. The power went out at 4:45 pm. So I
figured this is a good time to catch up with my blogging and put me in a
somewhat meditative mode. So I started writing on my iPod (luckily it's fully
charged).
Last month I was so confident my pregnancy was going very well and I thought I had God with me all that time. But just 5 weeks and 5 days into the pregnancy I miscarried. I have never been tested like this before. So almost $30K literally down the drain. That was the most devastating feeling I had ever felt in my life. I was angry at God. I thought He was with me all the time. I was just so depressed I wanted to disappear from this world and wasn't sure how to tell people what happened. I questioned God how come He was able to heal a really injured young chicken we had not too long ago. Her gizzard was ripped open with food and water leaking out and our vet advised us over the phone to euthanize her as she will have a long painful death otherwise. We couldn't do it. I prayed that she will survive and she did. So now, I'm questioning God if he can heal that chicken, how come He could not save my little embryo inside me. Am I not more important than the chicken? What was the point of praying, trusting and having faith if the outcome is not what we want? Maybe I will understand later as my thinking is still a bit clouded these days.
I was so confident it was going to work because the embryo was chromosomally normal and had gone through PGS (Pre-Implantation Genetic Screening). My doctor was very confident it will work and could not believe why it did not. We only have one PGS normal embryo but that doesn't mean anything whether it will implant or not. I somehow lost my confidence so help me God as we plan to transfer again in March. I will probably keep it more quiet so I won't jinx it. But you know me, I can't help it but tell everyone my progress when I get excited. It seems no matter how much I pray anyway, there is already a set outcome only God can know. But what else can I do but pray anyway whether it will work or not.
Last month I was so confident my pregnancy was going very well and I thought I had God with me all that time. But just 5 weeks and 5 days into the pregnancy I miscarried. I have never been tested like this before. So almost $30K literally down the drain. That was the most devastating feeling I had ever felt in my life. I was angry at God. I thought He was with me all the time. I was just so depressed I wanted to disappear from this world and wasn't sure how to tell people what happened. I questioned God how come He was able to heal a really injured young chicken we had not too long ago. Her gizzard was ripped open with food and water leaking out and our vet advised us over the phone to euthanize her as she will have a long painful death otherwise. We couldn't do it. I prayed that she will survive and she did. So now, I'm questioning God if he can heal that chicken, how come He could not save my little embryo inside me. Am I not more important than the chicken? What was the point of praying, trusting and having faith if the outcome is not what we want? Maybe I will understand later as my thinking is still a bit clouded these days.
I was so confident it was going to work because the embryo was chromosomally normal and had gone through PGS (Pre-Implantation Genetic Screening). My doctor was very confident it will work and could not believe why it did not. We only have one PGS normal embryo but that doesn't mean anything whether it will implant or not. I somehow lost my confidence so help me God as we plan to transfer again in March. I will probably keep it more quiet so I won't jinx it. But you know me, I can't help it but tell everyone my progress when I get excited. It seems no matter how much I pray anyway, there is already a set outcome only God can know. But what else can I do but pray anyway whether it will work or not.
In the
meantime, I’ve been eating really healthy and taking a lot of vitamins and
supplements in preparation for the next transfer. That’s all I can do right for now.
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| I think I forgot to show Vitamin B12 here. |
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| Just some of the stuff I juice. |
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